they'll make movies about me

so...re-reading lj post are not a good idea. ever
so unhappy. so....fucking unhappy.

reading about how i thought cody was perfect, how much i was in love with him. how he was the only thing making me happy.
god its sickening. i feel nausea. and sad. really sad. god damn it i miss him.

i had forgotten how nice i felt around him, its so much easier to focus on the negative shit, the dumb shit he said at the end of our relationship. it makes me feel better. but reading now, all of the wonderful things he said, did, made me feel.

on nov 8th i posted something about how stephani would win. and she did. they work together i guess. but what about me? thats so not fair. i should have broken up with him on nov 8th. not waited until he broke my heart. god im dumb.

i so dont want to miss him anymore.
he is an asshole!!

due to the fact that a certain ex girlfriend works at starbucks now.....

i cant believe the cunt would have the nerve to pry into my life and then to top it all off... rub it in my face that she they have seen each other behind my back

and i still cant believe he tried to hide all of this...and lie to me...even once i caught him...and then call me stupid for "making a big deal about it"

but finally after fours hours of argueing and explaining....all is good.
although i dont get my expresso anymore...
i mean i could...but the ackward situation is something i would like to avoid...

another thing...
douche-y boyfriend wont call me back.

and i am so happy!

shit
i knew one day i would have to face this
i knew she would find out
unfortunately college station isnt far enough

"this is 4 the one i lost.
all of your friends are letting you blow
bristling and ugly bursting with fruits falling out
from the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly
friend you could need to say comforting things in
your ear but oh comely there isn't such one
friend that you could find here standing next to
me. she's only my enemy I'll crush her with
everything I own."

for clarification purposes..
this was written about MY boyfriend..
I AM the "bright bubbly friend"
and SHE wants to crush me with everything she owns

sounds promising

fuck. i wish she would stop trying to ruin this for me.
stop trying to make me unhappy.
stop ruining everything that i have tried so hard to make work

and the worse part is....
i know she will get her way if she tries hard enough.
almost makes me want to give up.
i honestly wish everyone would just leave me alone and let me live in my own fairytell land.
i am finally honestly happy.
i have a perfect boyfriend who cares about me!!!
not just about my ass!
and she is fucking it up for me.


seriously.
this is probably the shittiest ive felt in quite some time.
the depression is back.
thanks.


fuckin bitch.

i can not even begin to explain how shitty this feels....

what a rich bitch!

cigarettes: only nine today.
beer: only six so far...
weed: none.

updates:
no money
plenty of beer
lots of work
awesome boyfriend
no phone....
[if you have an old t mobile phone...you should give it to me]


right now...i am enjoying an ice cold beer in my living room....
i need to be more productive
i cleaned out the storage closet and cleaned off all the ashes and shit off the patio....
laundry in the washer and dryer....

i have decided to stop smoking weed...for one month.
i want to see if i am more productive...
actually i really just want to see if what they say is true.....
am i PMSing when i am when i am not high????????
also i am sure i will have a fuck ton more money
so day one....easy. kind of boring.



i love my boyfriend...
but sadly he has let me down today

i am extremely depressed.
even though right now cody is making me happier than ever...
but i miss my friends.
i miss my dog.
and for some reason i decided to look back at old emails/livejournal post/myspace bullshit....
and i miss him...i wish we could have actually stayed friends....

i dont know why whenever im down i prefer to type it all out on live journal.


living in huntsville has been tight and all, dont get me wrong...
but for some reason i feel supremely down today....

god damn it!
i have an awesome boyfriend
killer friends
have wicked parties at my house

and yet....there is still something fucking missing!!!!

what the fuck is wrong with me?
i dont know what i am doing here.

im feeling much better now that i think im actually going to graduate.

actually....

nevermind



its hard to let the past go...

"You have to let outmoded things pass. They are part of your history for a reason."

hippie vegitarian?
modern day hippie?
brain?
scene?
rocker????

id prefer that you all refrain from suggesting i belong in any of these groups...
since lately that is all i seem to hear for any of you.

thanks.
if you must call me anything...call me by my name.

oh yea.
my dogs are playing hide and go seek
the little one is so winning.
he is hiding under the desk by my feet and ol' buckbeak cant find him

:D

every small detail has some kind of impact on our lives.
every drop of water adds a small amount of volume to the ocean.






so, i guess, since i accidently hurt someone....
there is some kind of reasoning behind it...
somehow...

im actually happy these days.
im falling in love.
im finding that i like that he cares and worries.


all in all...
i feel better than i ever did when i was with [or messing around with for that matter] any other guy...

he distracts me from seeing whats going on around me...and i like it.

"it wont be long
it wont be long
it wont be long
till i belong to you!"


he is the guy that you think about when those mushy love songs by the beatles come on the radio....

two pages left.
five minutes left.

and this project will be gone.

boo yah
in your face.

are sluts......
why?

but im not completely fucking retarded.


thankss.

and my head keeps spinning round....



i dont know what to do.

im not in love with him....




"Date: Oct 29, 2007 11:36 PM
Subject: such great heights
Body: i really love being in love.

: )"

moonlight

and lovers clinging to
the soft side of the night.
the whispers of shade pass
in and out of our periphery.
the ground has released all
energy. the moon glows, so
soft and white, that i wonder
as i hold onto you, is this
the begining? or a foreshadowed
end...
but it all amounts to nothing, because
this moment is all i've asked for,
and i've received unto myself that
love which you hold for others, and
which you freely gave to me. i am
blessed. i am loved, and now i have
the chance to hold something beautiful,
something not unlike myself. something
that breathes with the same compassionate
fabric. and i swear if you wished, i would
never let you go. the light reflects like heaven
from your skin, as i contemplate all of this,
as i think about us,
as we are.











i dont know how i feel about all this?
poems, and "happy tuesday" calls and being called beautiful...

its all new to me.
and i know i dont like it.

i see now...what the problem is...

for the past....long while...
there have been very few people i want to be with...
and chad wasnt one of them...
and i dont want to hurt him
and i dont want to sit in a relationship that is...pretty much me leading him on...

i do care about him.
and i do like him...
but he is just a boy...
i need phenominal.

i hate me.
i love the fact that me realizing i have to break up with somebody hurts me more than the idea of them breaking up with me.

i have a feeling i might lose a friend in this thing.

i dont know what to do.